Checklist...

My checklist for this year.


My checklist:

Earning my first million: I did, six months ago.
LV bag: In a few months. Not a need really.
Major renovation for moms house: On going
New car for mom: Still saving up for it.
Get my UK Drivers License: I am damn too lazy.
Travel all over europe: Not a priority. but maybe next year.
Expensive watch: I want a Patek, but will i ever afford it.Maybe..
Visit home: Saving for it so i can visit this December again.
iphone 3g: It will come out July 11. Can't wait!
A car for me: I'll buy one as soon as i get my license.
Shoes, shoes, and more shoes: Buy a pair every week. hahaha!
Change my hairstyle: I did last night.
Shed off some weight again: Im still trying.
Be in love again: Fuck it! haha! tired of it!
wedding bells: i think i will never reach that stage. haha!

Anyway, we will see at the end of the year if i have completed my checklist! but i doubt it!

Remembering Dad...

Remembering dad on Fathers day... I just can't believe dad passed away 14 years ago. I was 14 then and now I am 28. Time flies... really fast. I remember when i was a little kid, I would cry so hard every time I miss dad coz he worked abroad. So mum gave me a picture of him and pasted it on the wall beside my bed, so every time i go to sleep it is as if dad was beside me. But as i was growing up as a teenager, my relationship with dad changed. We were not as close as we used to be. Maybe because he wasn't with us all the time coz he had to work abroad just to put food on the table for us. But I love him so much. I just did not express it to him.

It is really true, when someone is gone thats the time you will realize how important that person is to your life. I have realized that. Dad was important to me.

Oh God! I miss him. I miss looking forward to dad's homecoming.. I miss spending my birthdays, Christmas and New Years day with Dad. Fourteen years ago was the last time i saw him, that was the month of February year 1994 and after 3 months we just received a call that he died of a massive stroke at work. Biggest regret of my life was not being able to tell him that I love him so much and how much i value him as my Father. And how lucky I am to have a father like him.


And now, when I feel so down here in England and if I feel upset at work and about to give up everything I have worked hard for, I just think of my father on how much hardwork and sacrifice he invested for his family. He sacrificed being away from us so we can have a better future and a better life. And here I am, with a better future and a better life. Thanks to him..... I am sure he is very proud of me. I know he may have left physically from me but I know he never left me... he is just around watching.. He is my angel.

Pa, I know its not too late to tell you. I love you and miss you so much. You're the best father there is. Missin you loads.... Remembering you on Fathers day... Love you, pa.

hot doctors..

For the past couple of days, I wassuffering from an inflammation in my lower back and it was really huge, it was as big as an adult’s fist. For 3 days, I just took it for granted and just took painkillers to lessen the pain. But on the 4^th day,September 3, 2007, 8:30 AM, I decided to go to the A&E Department /Accident and Emergency Department (that’s what they call there Emergency Room here), so I went. I thought it will just be a normal visit to the doctor, and after they would give me prescriptions for antibiotics and then go home! But it didn’t turn out that way! They advised me that i will be admitted and will have to undergo emergency operation! ! So they transferred me to the WARD (Shit! No private rooms in England!)So I had to undergo some series of test before they give me the clearance for the operation. and damn! The nurses don’t know how to cannulate! They attempted 8 times just to get it right! my hospital bed space was equipped with everything though.. Get a load of this... I had my own communication and entertainment system... television, radio, telephone and internet! Cool, isn’t it? Anyway, so I am done with my tests and all... and was not allowed to drink or eat for eight hours.. Nothing per Orem huhuhuhuhu!.. now this is what my patients feel when I give them instructions not to eat anything for 8 hours....I just had my dextrose so I won’t dehydrate... I was starving to death... and dying of thirst... And I can’t just wait to go to the Theatre (operating room) and go under the knife and get it over with.. but seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours and hours of long wait...and was still in terrible pain even if they gave me the strongest painkiller... fuck it! There were lots of stat procedures in the theatre so I had to extend my agony longer.. fell asleep waiting... 8:30 PM the nurse woke me... and telling me it’s my turn... my heart was beating so fast... anxious and nervous....this will be my first operation.. no family, no friends , they only give 3 hours visiting schedule and no one is allowed to spend the night with you, sad, huh?... and was in a hospital bed in England! So they gave me a hospital gown and a disposable underwear! (first time to be wearing a disposable one). On my way to the theatre, I was praying and telling myself that everything will be alright and that I’m in good hands... As the nurses opened the theatre door... the surgery team gave me the warmest welcome (yeah right! I don’t even know if I will wake up after my incision and drainage procedure) but two hot doctors just caught my attention... and they will be one of my doctors... they were like GQ models! one was my surgeon and the other was my anaesthesiologist.. They were in there mid 30’s.. and they saw me naked! Shit!!! they sedated me...I was under general anaesthesia...at the back of my head... high from the drug they gave me... i wanted to blur out the words.. "Hot doctors, I am all yours."...few minutes after I dozed off... and didn’t know what happened next... after 2 hours... i woke up.. Didn’t see my hot doctors anymore... where could they be? I miss my doctors so bad!Hehehehe! Anyway,everything was fine... was not in terrible pain anymore... there was still a little discomfort but much better than before... It was pretty much a scary experience but it was all worth it. Being just new here in England, I will never forget my stay in Warrington Hospital NHS trust and the good thing was that I didn’t pay a single penny for my operation and medicines...at least i know where my taxes go!.... PAIN+AMMENITIES+HOT DOCTORS+ FREE EXPENSE= WORTH IT!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Would’nt mind staying for another night again!!!!

When It Rains, Love Pours..

When It Rains, Love Pours

Gray clouds cast shadows upon me
Depressing "Palls of Doom", floating
Gazing through the gale, I see her
Her silhouette allows me to walk on water
I must fly on the wings of a steel bird
Hyperspace, an impossible and surreal option
My lips are wishing to land on her
My hands wanting to illuminate
And illustrate how soft and smooth she is
What will bring her to me?
Not the snake that I live within
But my heart, which wants her now
It wants to beat next to hers
Holding onto its desire with faithfulness

Mel Jr.
April 11,1999

Dreams dont come true...

Here I am alone in United Kingdom. I am in my deep thoughts again... Thinking and thinking... Is this the life i really want? Is this the place i ever want to be in? They say I am lucky to be here. They say alot of people wants to be in my shoes. They say I am getting richer and richer everyday coz Im earning in ££pounds££. but can i say I am happy? I really don't know. I guess I am not. I am lonely. I am depressed. I am empty. I may look happy on the outside but I am crying inside. Something is just missing in my life. I may be earning big bucks and can buy the things I want but I am lonely. I have no one. I am all alone. It's just me myself and I. I never wanted this. This was not my dream. All i wanted was to be a homemaker, a mother and a wife, that was my dream. I thought all of it will happen after college.. but everything went wrong. I lost that dream. I lost him. God! I lost him....I lost him for good.I lost my world. My world was him. My world fell apart. My whole being shattered. I am nothing but a broken person. When will i ever find that same happiness again? I am tired of hoping, wishing, longing for someone to love me. I am hungry for someones love. I have so much love to give. Alot of people have big dreams. I just had a simple dream but I guess dreams don't come true. I don't want to dream anymore. I am tired, I am worn out.

my heart...

I gave my heart 10 yrs ago... i lost it after 5 yrs... and i want my heart back! Give it back!

bad habits...

am i a girl with bad habits?

I smoke. is that bad?
I drink. is that bad?
I party. is that bad?

my new life..

Moving here in England has totally changed me. I am more responsible now. I think twice before deciding on some things, weigh it if its any good. I can't afford to mess my life up . I have a nice job. I am financially stable but my life here as a foreigner is very difficult. Blood,sweat and tears i have invested.... It took me awhile to adjust to my new life. No more maids, no more salons, no more thai massages, no more parties. No more easy life for me. It is tough to be in a foreign land.Difficult, hard, strenuous are the best words to describe it. I had my share of being treated as second class, but this made me a more stronger woman, a much sturdy one. It is just so agonizing thinking that I am away from home.. Away from my family, my friends...Away from my comfort zone. Away from the life that I'm used to. I miss my old life. I miss living on the edge. Life then was very exhilarating. It was pretty breathtaking! If you ask me if i want to live that life again.. no is my answer..I don't know if i want to go back to that old life...parties, alcohol, hangovers, bad boys, heartaches. Is it worth it? no.. I am scared to mess it up again... I just miss it but I cant afford to putting my life into shambles over and over again...

My great love...

Its 12 mn here, London time... I can't sleep. It's June 17 2008. And today is Mels' 36th birthday. Alot of thoughts running through my mind . Memories of my first love is haunting me tonight. I can't sleep! I can't sleep! Im thinking about him. Why do I still think about him?Its been a couple of years since Mel and I broke up but it seems like everything happened yesterday. I kept my promise and he did not.

Mel, I miss your love. I miss your kiss. I miss holding your hand. I miss our talks. I miss your love letters. I miss your poems. I miss dreaming together. I miss you. I miss us. I guess I will never forget you. youre my one and only great love. I love your love....